Some background information first – I remember clearly an intense conversation w/ DH early in our IF journey – right after our initial consult with the RE. We were discussing what we should do, where our comfort level was, etc. I asked DH the question that put dread into my heart: “what if none of this works?” It seems to me that the world stopped turning at that moment, waiting for his reply. In my heart I felt I’d want to pursue adoption if medical science couldn’t facilitate our miracle. But I don’t recall explicitly discussing this with DH before. Would he say we should live CF? (childfree) Could I handle that?
I don’t think he actually hesitated even though it seemed to me that time was suspended waiting for his words. He said, very matter-of-factly, “then we’ll adopt.” [of course, I know now – and knew then – that adoption is not an easy process either. But at least it was a path to become parents. In fact, I’d already started researching some foreign adoption possibilities.]
Fastforward a few years, and a dear friend of mine had been ttc for awhile. She and her DH were considering what they are comfortable pursuing in terms of medical science. But their second option is CF as opposed to adoption.
My heart was aching for her. We all go through the journey differently but the overwhelming sadness of it is familiar, I think. I wanted to be supportive in any way I could. I had never really contemplated CF – other than in my daily prayers, asking God for guidance, praying for my heart’s desire of children, but saying “thy will be done, if we are not meant to have children help me be open to that too – but please, please I really want to be a mother.” Really I had not grappled with CF. I felt the need to figure out how someone that I knew wanted children in the depth of her being, could seriously consider CF. I wanted to know how to do whatever I could to support my friend & her husband. This is how I started researching on the internet, and found it a different world from when I grappled with IF myself. I don’t know if blogs were around back then (2003 ish) but I did find an amazing yahoo group for those ttc their first baby. I still go back and check it now and then, and sadly it appears there’s nobody on there actively discussing anymore. Perhaps the support structure has moved more to blogs and it isn’t needed now. But I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how helpful the yahoo group was (and we still have a connection to each other).
My research led me to the CF board at bella online – a wonderful eye-opener, and lots of interesting people and POV. For the most part they appear to be CF by choice and not after IF. They certainly present the advantages of CF living in a way I’d never considered. I didn’t realize until a long time afterwards how lucky I was to find the Bella board – there’s a good level of respect for parents & kids (at least for those who parent mindfully) and some CF boards can be quite vicious & vitriolic. Bella was a great place to get introduced to the advantages of CF. But it wasn’t quite what I was looking for.
Inciid has a CF board as well, although it’s not very active. Still I would check posts on there every now and then, and that’s how I met Loribeth. I always looked for her posts – they were eloquent with empathy, understanding and wisdom. One time she posted her blog address – shortly after a foodie friend of mine had started a blog. These two women are the ones who brought me into the blogosphere. From Lori’s site I got to know Mel, and through Mel I discovered the enormous world of blogging out there – especially blogging for IF’ers.
So what is bringing this to the forefront of my thoughts today? This post by Luna. She and her dh have completed the last tx they expect to do, without success. She is grieving and mourning the one baby she had and lost, and the dreams and hopes they had had for the future. It’s the place that anyone who begins IF is afraid to think about. I don’t know Luna that well but I know she will get through this and find beauty in the world somehow. I don’t know if she’ll choose CF or consider adoption. Right now she needs to sit with this terrible sadness. If you have the time, go on over and give her a hug, or to say a little prayer for her.
This is one of the days that the unfairness of the universe is hard to take. I wish that none of us had to face these crisis points and decisions. What I have learned so far, though, is to trust that each person and couple knows what is right for them. We may make different decisions, but the longing for our dreams of children is deep for every one of us. And we all experience pain and suffering, and need support.