Dear prayer buddy – if you are reading this – please pray for my hubby as he has a job interview tomorrow, and for me as this week will be an important one for me at work. I have been really struggling with what to do. I honestly, truly wish to just be done with this struggle and move on to somewhere I can be more successful.
But I really think I am *meant* to be here right now. I have experienced feelings of grace (before this nightmare began, so maybe 3 weeks ago?) that I cannot discount. I think this is a battle I meant to fight, and it begins with releasing my pride and fear of failure and concentrating on what I keep praying to truly desire – to live out my “calling” to love as God wants me to. But I’d have to say the deep wish to just escape from all of this has been so strong.
The other thing too – many people in my life are not at all religious, or only vaguely religious (and many of them are among the best, most loving and honourable people I know). And this whole situation must seem totally ludricous to them! I feel like a fool imagining myself trying to explain why I feel this is the path I should take. (hmm, perhaps pride simply underlies yet another aspect of my life, what do you think?)
Intellectually, emotionally, I just don’t see how I can “win” in this situation – how I can be successful. It doesn’t seem worth the cost it is to me. And yet, it seems this is where I should be. Why, why why ??? Ugh!
I heard a quote a few nights ago, something along the lines of “you learn to be a more skilful pilot when you have to fly through the storms.” Well, I am in a doozy of a storm right now. I have powerful help – from God, friends, family, and several colleagues. But I still want so much to just do something else.
However, I am praying to desire most of all whatever God is calling me to do. This is going to be an interesting crucible.