I was happy to make it out to confession today. Having missed all the scheduled times at my home parish, I went to a church I visit every now and then. (I could call Fr. G. for an apt – but things are so busy this time of year for him, I didn’t want to do that).
There was quite a line up of people so I didn’t want to take forever. I focused on how frustrated and lost I feel, how hard it seems to find peace and trust, how I am veering from having a frequently-thankful perspective to more negative mindset. I mentioned that it feels like I am failing in my job right now, and how I don’t really know how to pray.
Fr. responded with some suggestion for how to pray for direction – after all, God gave us each talents and gifts, and clearly I’ve been able to use them to much better effect previously than I am now. So, thank God for these gifts and ask for His help in moving into a better situation. Yes, there is “bloom where you are planted” – but if it’s not the right situation, you need to work and advocate for yourself to get to where you can work more effectively. Also, he said to not beat myself up about things – stress will do that already!
Finally I mentioned a secret fear that has cropped up for me. DH and I have been through a couple of very difficult times (including some years of IF) – and now this … it gives me almost a fearful “when we are through this crisis, what will God throw at us next ???” Fr. chided me gently for this, saying, “It’s not God that is throwing this at you … it’s the reality of the economy (etc)” I actually DO believe this because of how I see evil working in the world. But I get into phases where it seems like you get through a big trial, only to have another one a few years later!
Anyway I am going to shift to this more “open” prayer for direction. I like that it addresses the fact that I really don’t think this is the place for me, yet doesn’t dictate specific details of how I want things resolved. Not that there is anything wrong with having a clearly defined goal and dream … but I feel better leaving things a bit more open.
We are getting close to the great reveal for Prayer Buddies! I have found it lovely to pray for my person and I’m quite curious to find out who my buddy is. I’m thankful to you both, and to JBTC, as it allows us to share more of our lives 🙂