I am happy to be participating in the Advent prayer buddies again this year. It will also spur me on to update my blog more often (I hope, anyway).
The truth is that I am in a bit of a quandary about this blog.
When dh and I were faced with IF, it was before the days of blogs (or before they were widespread) and a yahoo group was a precious source of support. I fell out of the internet world for awhile after my son was born, but got back into it when a dear friend and her DH confided their struggles with IF – perhaps around 2005 or so. They have since pursued the treatment they felt comfortable with, without getting pg – and they also feel that adoption is the not the route for them – thus living childfree (while being very open to a miracle should it occur, but not really hoping for the miracle now – moving on with finding joy where they are), is their current status. At this time blogland became such a resource for me to try and understand this decision. DH and I had discussed adoption as we both really wanted to be parents and we were open to looking at different avenues. But who knows – you never know until or unless you are in a situation – what is right for you. Pamela Jeanne and Lori are two wise women of the CF after IF world, and have really helped to understand how it can be that you long for a child yet find that adoption is not your path.
While getting to know bloggers at various stages of IF, CF after IF, single and praying to find their soulmate, I also stumbled into the IF religious and Catholic community. Throughout the years, my spiritual life has become more and more important to me, and the Catholic faith is the place I feel most at home. (my Dad does not believe in God at all, my mom thinks there probably is something out there but has found that organized religion does more harm than good – so my grandparents brought my brother and I up in the Catholic faith – but I did ‘look around’ for awhile before committing). Now I read many blogs for the food for the thought in the spiritual realm, whether I disagree with them or not. And I still love many blogs by bloggers of other faiths or of no particular faith.
So, what occupies my thoughts lately? Well, various religious stuff. How things are for my friends who are CF, or single. What it means to have strong desires and to either wait for so long, or perhaps not see them fulfilled. How to rejoice in the life one has instead of only seeing what one doesn’t have. How to find a way to live with the challenges I face, counting the many lovely things about my life, with the many challenges and stresses of this past year. And there are many – from the financial hit of DH being downsized 4 years ago, and having spotty work until recently – to selling our larger house, buying an older home (which I love) – renovating it to rent out half (great tenants) – meaning we have a lot less space than we did before, which is good, but I am overwhelmed with stuff PLUS we are still paying for a storage locker – to a terribly stressful year work-wise for me last year – including needing medical help to get through it and a leave of absence even – to DH’s work now involving absences from home that mean I am operating as a single parent for good stretches of time, and now I am in a new work role that still has a heck of a learning curve for me (first time as a home room teacher in elementary school, 2 different grades).
I am not sure how to write about all of this on a blog that basically is connected in with the IF (Catholic-Christian) world and IF (not-Christian and not-religious world). It seems to lack focus, and may not have the ‘thing in common’ with the groups that I follow. I hope a purpose and approach will become clear to me soon, because I do miss contact with you – anyone who is still out there, I mean.