It’s been about 3 days of ‘not my finest moment’ … I am feeling down, overwhelmed, just not getting stuff done (and trust me, there is lots that needs to be done). I think a few factors are at play – generally not getting the amount of sleep I need; DH has been gone about a month and I think that this is the end of my tolerance for missing him; the kids are missing him and needing a lot from me, and my resources are just low. I just need to get some (censored) marking done and it is such a struggle for me.
Sneaking in some fudge for breakfast yesterday and a cupcake today, well that is quite out of character too (although emotional eating is IN character, I am afraid). A friend I miss seeing invited us over for a little visit today – we walked over (what’s that? exercise?) and had tea and some cake she had baked. There was also a neighbour visiting, whom I don’t know well, and he seemed like a really nice guy. This did mean, however, that it wasn’t the talky talky kind of visit we might otherwise have had. I still had a good time, but I was a bit out of it. Have you ever had that slightly disconnected feeling?
I am feeling wistful more often too. Looking up and seeing a pg woman cuddling her toddler; seeing 2 year olds cuddling up to their parents; hearing about this or that person expecting – it doesn’t devastate me and wring my heart as it would have done years ago, but I am not free of the passing sadness that I wish (in many ways) that life had been easier for us that way – that we might have the option of adding to our family now … even though I am not sure I really, truly wish that, part of me still wishes that.
Part of the Bible reading today has the passage about ‘in all circumstances, give thanks.’ There is much I can rejoice in, and I am trying to live there – even looking at what are the big struggles for me right now (marking, keeping up with schoolwork is a big one) and how can I give that over to God – instead of blaming myself and finding fault, to acknowledge this is a problem that shortchanges my students, myself, my family, my joy – and pray for help with it. It just feels like it is bigger and stronger than me right now. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t … but I believe it is not bigger and stronger than God, so I am trying to put it over into His hands, if that makes sense (which it totally won’t if you are not a person who believes in God … my parents would think I am wayyyy out there!)
Today I read a very moving post by Mrs Spit. Actually her last few posts have been moving and heartbreaking, as she honours the anniversary of the birth and death of her only child Gabriel. These words especially hit me today:
I have learned this. In the midst of the worst pain and sorrow and horror of your life, seeds are sown.
All sorts of seeds, really. Seeds of bitterness and seeds of deeper understanding. Seeds of never ending joy and seeds of sorrow.
It is the work of our entire lives to choose which seeds we water, which seeds we fertilize, which seeds we pluck out as weeds.
It comes from her post here: http://mrsspit.ca/
I have never suffered the kind of crisis that she, her husband and family have. I so admire her grace and wisdom. And these words make me think about what seeds am I nurturing? I guess I need to recognize that yes, I do have PMS – worse sometimes than others – and no, that is not a reason to stop nurturing the ‘good’ seeds and just give up and let the seeds I don’t really want to grow(snapping at people, being irritable and miserable).
I’m just not exactly sure how. I could make resolutions about eating healthy foods and going running, which I am sure would be good for me. I guess I’m not ready to commit to that. But I think I will start with a hot bath, and then I will try to prioritize what MUST be done for tomorrow (prep for work? laundry – clean clothes to wear? lunches to make? they all seem important. I must be able to cut a corner or two somewhere). And maybe I will take a minute or two to turn out the room lights and just sit in front of the Christmas tree … an almost magical presence for every Christmas as long as I can remember.
At least AF has got to show her face soon and I can get through that and get on with it.